No Accountability

Real Talk:

No one has relationship accountability anymore. There are so many options out there and people that will allow you to do what you want, treat them the way you want, and act any kind of way that you want, until there is no reason to fix a behavior that someone that's into you points out to you. You'd rather move on to the next one hoping they will not try to "change" you or be satisfied with your half effort or lack of regard for relationship standards.

We have become an entitled society where we feel that we don't have to work hard for nothing. If it causes us heart burn or require us to work harder, we drop that and move on to something easier until the "something easier" requires work or attention.

Relationships back in the day during my parents times lasted for years. People dated all through high school and you knew who couples were. There was know guessing as to whether they were dating and in most cases those high school couples end up marrying and having kids. I'm not saying those relationships were perfect, but I am saying that many of them had staying power and were devoted to their marriage and kids and struggled to keep it together. However, these days the entitled earthlings are about every struggle but the struggle of love and creating a bond and lasting relationship. Because there is a huge number of women to men in current times, does not mean that in a scenario where there are 10 women to 1 man, that the 1 man must try all 10 women. Or vice versa.

Life is hard itself, must we make love and finding someone to respect, honor, cherish, and build with even harder? If we become the person we want to fall in love with and if we sacrifice the thought of everything being easy and handed to us without putting in work, we will see that finding and maintaining love is not that hard at all. We will find that it is easier to trust people and see the good in them before the bad. I'm not saying to stay in a loveless relationship and I'm not saying to be strung along trying to jump through imaginary hoops for someone that's not your equal or doesn't appreciate you, once you realize it's REALLY not worth the effort. But I am saying to at least give it a true go and 100% before so easily throwing in the towel.

There will be instances that you will have to accept things about a person that perhaps isn't quite what you asked for, but you can find in a 5'7" tall person the same qualities as you would find in a 6'3" tall person. Small sacrifices are to be made in a world full of imperfections and imperfect people.

My Smokey told me that a man knows what he wants with a woman within 3 months of knowing them. He said they know if they want to marry you, play around with you when it's convenient for them, or just keep you hanging around with no plans of marrying. This may not be true, but I believe everything My Smokey tells me is the Gospel..... Well SOME things. But, I'm sure that such insight on women is available as well, but I can only speak on what was told to me.

Anyway, all I'm saying is stop swapping relationships like underwear because of what you deem as something you don't have to put up with, and due to being spoiled with other options and availability. Find that one person that's worth the fight and sacrifice. Don't move on too soon because it's difficult. Hell all relationships are difficult. And don't stick around for years when you know it's a bad situation or know that the person is never going to marry you. It seems like we work harder to keep bad and unhealthy relationships going, but quick to drop those with potential.... Smh my people my people.... Wake up Grown Americans..... Let's start over, back to the way things were (in my Miles Jaye voice)... But real talk.... Accept responsibility, develop accountability, and put in work for your relationships and stop taking love for granted before you lose it or never get the chance to experience it, with your many options having behinds....

I'm Dr. Rock Ramsey and I approved this message.

We're Just Friends by Esteemology

But We’re Just Friends: A License To Disrespect

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Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association….characteristics include affection, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other’s company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one’s feelings, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend. – Wikipedia

How many people have had this happen to them: You get involved with someone you like, you’re intimate, you go out, you text/talk on the phone, you feel a connection and you’re thinking and acting like you’re an item, but somewhere down the line your partner blurts out, “This isn’t a relationship. We’re just friends.”

This could happen right from the start, they may casually spit out that they’re not looking for a relationship, or it may pop up after you’ve been intimate and you’ve already started thinking you were a couple.  There’s nothing particularly wrong with having a booty call, as long as you’re both on the same page, but some people can’t do booty calls. They just aren’t wired that way and if you’re the type that wants a relationship, but you’re willing to just accept what they give you, while hoping for more, then you’ve got a really big problem on your hands.

You Don’t Take Your Booty Call Out To Dinner

My girls and I were having brunch one Sunday and my friend Isabel asked, “Who was that guy I saw you having dinner with last Friday?” A big smile came on my other friends face as she said, “That’s Alex. We’re not going out. We’re just having sex.”

“Oh honey,” Isabel said. “You don’t go on a dinner date with your booty call.” We were all in hysterics and it was starting to feel a lot like an episode of Sex and the City and once we stopped laughing we debated the topic of booty calls and realized Isabel had a really valid point.

She explained that a booty call is just that – it’s not a relationship, it’s all about sex and nothing more.  You’re not romantic partners and you’re not friends.  You’re two people that both fully agree that you want nothing more than a physical relationship. There are no feelings involved. You don’t plan your life around your booty call. You don’t plan a future together. You don’t give birthday gifts, you don’t lend your booty call money, or talk about your goals. You don’t hold hands, go out on dates, or act like you’re in a relationship.  In order to maintain your booty call you keep it simple and you don’t blur the lines.

You Don’t Sleep With Your Friends

I have plenty of friends both male and female that are esthetically pleasing, but I don’t want to have sex with any of them.  With all of my friends there is a basic feeling of mutual trust, reciprocity, kindness, support, empathy, and a great desire to spend time together, where we can be ourselves and have fun. We buy each other gifts and celebrate each other’s accomplishments. We build each other up and make each other laugh. Friendships are supposed to be positive and lift us up.

Most relationships start out as friendships, as both parties get to know each other, but eventually, it leads to a full-fledged relationship, or it ends. They aren’t supposed to start and end somewhere in between.

When you get involved with shady people they like to live in Ambiguity Land. They like to blur the lines. They like to take advantage of all that you have to offer, while offering you nothing in return.  A lot of people fully agree to enter into a relationship, that looks a lot like a relationship, yet isn’t a relationship, with the hope that it will grow into something more in time. When you accept a relationship all on someone else’s terms, don’t expect that to change and suddenly be on your terms. Even if you threaten to walk away, things may change briefly, but you can rest assured that things will very quickly go back to the way they were before.

Get Your Free Pass to Disrespectfulville

Once you’ve been placed in the, I like you enough to sleep with you and take advantage of you, but not enough to legitimately date you, category don’t ever expect to be upgraded to girlfriend/boyfriend status. You’re not getting that promotion now, or in the future. When you accept that kind of agreement, that tells the Shady’s of this world that you don’t respect yourself enough to demand better treatment. Only a shady person would enter into a  relationship knowing that you want and expect more, while fully knowing that they will not deliver. Someone with integrity would be straight up with you and concerned that your feelings don’t get hurt.

People that don’ t care about you, or respect you, have no problems standing you up, or taking from you.  When you accept less, when you really want more, it gives the other person a license to be disrespectful.

“Oh I missed your birthday? I know you got me a nice leather jacket for my Birthday but – well we’re just friends, so it doesn’t matter that I didn’t get you anything.” Wait. What?  “What’s that? I stood you up. Well you know how it is. I met this other girl. You and I are just friends anyway.” Oh no you didn’t!

What about friends with benefits Sav? That’s another term for a booty call and a Hollywood movie. In the movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, they both wanted more than a booty call, they were both just too scared and damaged from past relationships to dive into one – they eventually ended up together – but again that’s Hollywood not reality.

The point is, if my friend buys me a Birthday gift, you better believe I’m getting them a Birthday gift. Friendship is about reciprocity. Friends don’t look to use you, and they are not inconsiderate. Even with booty calls there is a certain level of trust and respect. So if your friends and your booty call treat you better than your part-time boy/girlfriend then you have to realize that you are not with someone that truly cares about you.

The truth is your McShady wants you somewhere in relationship-no-man’s-land, because if you’re good with just being a booty call and not caring – they don’t get the supply they’re after. They’re not getting your love, your affection, or your resources. Let’s be really honest here – most of us have been conditioned to share our resources with our romantic partners, more so than with anyone else. Users know this. Sure if your brother asks you for $100 you’d lend it to him, but you’d expect it back. You’d do the same with your friends and again you’d be sure to get it back, and not want to make a habit out of it, but with someone that you have romantic feelings for – that $100 leaves your fingertips a heck of a lot easier and often you have no expectation of ever getting it back.

Mr or Mrs McShady wants you in that little space where they know you’re hoping for more and you’re willing to overlook a lot of bad  behavior to get it. It’s there where they are so willing to oblige your desire for more, because this is where they get the most out of you. That’s why you’ll get the mixed messages and why you only hear, “But we’re just friends,” when you object to their behavior, or you ask something of them.

Never Be Complicit in Any Activity that Erodes Your Self-Esteem

There is nothing, save child birth and a dying tooth nerve, that is more painful than unrequited love.  When you love someone and you want to give them your all and they gladly take what’s on offer, but give little in return, that’s a recipe for heart break. If you already suffer from low self-esteem, this will compound the belief that you aren’t worthy of love and that you just aren’t good enough.

Some people want someone so badly that they are willing to take them at any cost. Knowing that they want you, but not enough to officially declare it, will slowly eat at you from the inside. The careless way they disregard your feelings will be like daggers in your heart. The inconsiderate way they go on about their business, as if you are not even a consideration will gnaw on you. The very word “friend” will grate on your last nerve and it will feel like you’ve been stabbed in the heart every time they say it. Never give someone you can’t trust the keys to your emotions.

There is no one on this planet that is worth sacrificing your self-esteem over. Sometimes we may think this is a better alternative than loneliness, or we may be feeling really vulnerable, or we may just want to have someone love us, but none of these reasons are an acceptable enough excuse to settle for less than you deserve, or allow yourself to be used. The cost to your self-esteem is far greater than a roll in the hay with someone that can’t make up their mind about you.

When you’re involved with someone, who acts like they’re in a relationship, when they want something from you and then acts single, when it suits their purpose, you have to walk away. If they don’t consistently and purposefully add value to your life, but instead cause you pain, then they are not meant for you. And you have to be brave enough and care enough about yourself to stop the madness.

If you want a relationship then say you want a relationship upfront. It will save you both a lot of time and a lot of heartache down the road and it puts an end to any ambiguity. When everyone’s cards are on the table, there is no room for misunderstandings. Relationships aren’t 50/50, or 10/90 they’re 100/100 and either you’re both all in, or your both all out. Never settle for less.

I am THAT GIRL

Let's have GIRL talk and face our hidden reality.  #aMomentofTRUTH

I am THAT GIRL. Are you?

Yes, I am that girl that was falsely accused.

I am that girl that was cheated on repeatedly and took him back.

I am that girl that cheated on my husband/boyfriend and lied and said I didn't.

I am that girl that rather have many men, instead of just one.

I am that girl that had a scare of pregnancy and dealt with the possible shame of having a baby out of wedlock or possibly aborting.

I am that girl that played the main chick role, to later find out I was really only the side chick.

I am that girl that said I'd never take him back and did.

I am that girl that knowingly slept with a married man.

I am that girl that slept with someone for money and personal gain.

I am that girl that was sexually harassed on the low at the job and dealt with it just to stay employed.

I am that girl that was sexually assaulted or touched inappropriately and unwantedly as a child and/or adult.

I am that girl that did the unspeakable and unforgivable and was sickened to know that water couldn't wash away the guilt.

I am that girl that was sexually abused and molested by a family or family friend.

I am that girl that battled depression and almost lost my mind.

I am that girl that had her heart broken numerous times.

I am that girl that lost someone close to me to tragedy.

I am that girl that loved someone that didn't love me back.

I am that girl that contemplated suicide, Oh But God...

I am that girl that questioned God and shunned Him when I didn't understand life's struggle.

I am that girl that struggled with prescription pain medication.

I am that girl that thought alcohol was a cure all.

I am that girl that was a victim of domestic violence.

I am that girl that was mistreated and discriminated against.

I am that girl that felt like a failure if she didn't get all A's in school.

I am that girl that struggles daily with chronic pain.

I am that girl that was called ugly and wore glasses and had braces.

I am that girl that bullied a classmate.

I am that girl that felt betrayed and used by family and friends.

I am that girl that is often misunderstood.

I am that girl that lost sleep worrying about bills.

I am that girl that has poor eating habits.

I am that girl that hated my job.

I am that girl that rather stay in bed instead of facing the day.

However, I am that same girl that dealt with it all, stayed the course, and beat the odds through prayer, faith, and God's Favor, Grace, and Mercy.

You can't fix you, until you know, understand, and accept YOU. A part of helping yourself and others is being able to be honest and open with yourself, and being able to sympathize with others without judging. I'm no different than you. My blues might not be like your blues, but I AM THAT GIRL, ARE YOU???

Therapy and the truth hurts sometimes, but you have to face it.

Disclaimer: You might not be able to relate to all, or none, of these but in order to teach, reach, and help someone you should be able to sympathize and not judge.... And yes, some of them, not all of them, truly applies to me....Judge Not Lest Thou Be Judged... Deep Therapy is Good Therapy. ~Dr. Marilyn Wiley, PhD.~

All Wrong

If you look for the bad in people, you will find it. Whether it is real or just your reality does not matter. But what does matter is the level of effort it took for you to look for it. Why waste time on looking for the negative when there is so much negativity that already exist around us?

Bad, negative, and waste are all words that over shadows the words good, positive, and    productive. Why not use the time and effort to find the good and positive attributes in people? That would be more productive and rewarding for both people than wasting time and effort looking for darkness in ones character. For every bad find two goods..... Stop convicting innocent people and start convicting your own negative thoughts and views. You just might realize that you have pegged some people all wrong and they are actually good.

Jealousy Blocks Blessings

When you overlook the blessings of others God will overlook you. When you turn your nose up at other people's relationships and accomplishments, He's turning His nose up at you having the audacity to expect Him to bless you in your jealous state. Your lips to tight to praise Him for another's gift and your hands clinched too tight to receive your own. And you wonder why people are getting blessed around you.

It's not about the person being blessed. It's bigger than that, and you so full of hate and jealousy, that you can't even see that it's about God, and that He gets the glory. God uses other people to bless you and test you, and to show you what He can and Will do. He uses other people to show you or provide positive examples of how you too can receive blessings, first by be thankful and acknowledging His Goodness regardless of the recipient.

So when you scroll by without acknowledging other people's blessings that is God's Way of judging you and whether your heart is in the right place to receive your own blessing, or mad about how He chooses to bless other people. He's fulfilling His promises right before your eyes, but because it's not you or you don't like a person, you can't even say Amen or Look at God...God is the only one allowed to be jealous, for He said "I am a jealous God"(Exodus 34:14; Deuteronomy 6:15), and He's God alone, meaning He does not need our help in the jealousy  department.

Moral of the story: Don't miss, overlook, or block your own blessing while you are rocking and watching with green-eyed envy and by scrolling past other people's blessings without acknowledging the will and work of God. Acknowledge Him and His work and He will direct your path into your own blessings...And there it is.. #gogetyourblessing #seeTheBlessingNotThePerson ~Dr. Rock Ramsey ~

On Racism

On Racism:

I'm reading a lot about racism, racist comments, kids of friends being called the N-Word, and being told their brown skin is not liked..... Much of the world's problems began as budding negative seeds taught to us as children......

Racism, discrimination, and hatred aren't born. Being racist is not determined by a skin color, but it's something that's taught. It's introduced and bred among a group of people that lack human compassion and lack the motivation to change the generations to follow.

On Being Called the N-Word:
I would rather be called black than to be called the N-word. But strangely enough there are people that are cool with being called the N-Word by their own, but dare to be called such, by someone outside their ethnic group. Why be in a group of friends of a variety of ethnic groups and it's OK for you to use the word but not your friends? I'm confused.

Between the ages of 1-5 is when a child learns and retains the most. There are children i know of 4 and under that have already discovered a word that is harmful and very offensive to many. Your kids learn from you and their surroundings. You should be mindful of the influence you have on your kids as well as others, and be mindful of the influences you expose them to whether it be to people, places, videos, or music. Instead of just exposing them to the word, if you must, teach them the negative connotation of the word as well. Better yet teach them the books of the Bible. I'd rather them call someone Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John than the N-Word. This is very disturbing and very upsetting to say the least... Racism and hatred will never end unless everyone do their part. Parent or not, teach these kids compassion and humility at an early age and I promise you'll see a changed society. Whoever those kids parents are, they were taught to call black people "N-Word" too, and their parents and grandparents and so on... So thus a generational curse that's still getting people hurt, discriminated against, and sometimes killed.... I can truly say that i have a multitude of friends of all races, creed, color, ethnic, and gender groups. I see them for how they treat me and treat others. If I had the slight inclination that any of them had a racist bone in their body, I would not stop socializing with them but they would definitely not be in my circle of who i call true friends.. I rather know a racist person don't like me than to pretend they do....When will it end. ~Dr. Rock Ramsey ~

Mental illness or Nah?

Truly evil exist and is among us. These days evil has many faces and many definitions. One would think that mental illness is the new evil, but is it really? Does everyone with evil intent suffer from a mental illness, disorder, or imbalance? I beg to differ. You can be the most sane person in the world and still be a pure evil soul and an even more evil person when you act on it. There are those with mental illness that would never harm a flee, and can't even fathom what being mean is. So to say all evil people have a mental illness is not fair to say.